I will be a old lady soon

I did ok today, 190 calories
and 44 mins on my ellipi burining 583 calories.

But for the week omg! total pig out, to mad to post the totals right now.

Had a mid-life moment

Ok so the past few days, I was like, ah fuck it! No exercise just eat drink and be fat!
Thinking about my birthday coming up on Thursday just made me snap.

I am getting my ana head back on, looking at photos of when I was thinner and so pretty and happy.  I know I can do this, it is just harder now that I am older and lazier.

It just dawned on me...

Oh crap I do a weigh in tommorrow!

Ok , so I have been really good the last 2 days but before that I was awlful so I guess I will see when I step on the dreaded scales.

10/3: 110 cals (better)
Ellipi: 41 mins/534 cals

and today: 180 cals

Ellipi: 41 mins/513 cals

Another day of feeling fat

Why? Well I did given in as always.... 
10/2/10: 2,515 Ellipi:40 mins/540 cals
Today: Well so far so good...
110 calories so far... Ellipi: 41mins/534 cals
It is only 5pm! My hubby is driving me nuts! He is a loser! And he is a thin person, he has stick legs but he can eat junk and not get fat, but I do! It is not fair!  He is poking and beging for pizza but he is broke and wants me to get it.
I want to go to bed so that I do not have to deal with the temptations but he will bug me about it.  This totally sucks! 

1 step forward 6 steps back

9/29: Binge 3,040 cals , 27 mins/360 cals on Ellipi
Had a bad day at work, I work at a vet and we had to put some sweet babies to sleep.


9/30: Binge 3,000 cals, 26 mins/333 cals Ellipi


Today: 430 cals, 26 mins/352 cals Ellipi

I had another bad day at work, but did not give in to a binge.  Let's just try and keep it that way.  I am trying to work out at least 20mins everyday to get me in the habit again.  I have so far to go, all over again! Why did I let myself get this fat again? This is so depressing.

This really blows!

Ok food today:
Gum-10
Green tea-0
Speial K- 90
miso soup-35
Total: 135
Ellipi: 21 mins 273 calories

Weigh in today: only lost 3.4lbs thanks to my binge!
Missed my 1st goal weight by 1.2lbs!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

I am so fat and gross! I need to workout everyday and not eat a lot. The problem is I am depressed, broke and miss my 2 dogs that just died a few months ago, I want to soothe it with drinks and food, but I know it will not make things better just make me fatter.

I have to get into my ana zone again! 

Ok got behind on my bloging already

But I was a busy girl this weekend so that is why:9/25:
3000 calories! I know, I gave in to the binge.
But I did do a lot of work at a pet event so that had to burn some of it.

9/26:  1515 calories, oinkers


and today 9/27:
135 calories
Elliptical: 24 mins/301 cals

Tomorrow morning I will step on the scales and do my 1st goal weigh in, I bet I blew it with the binges! My 1st goal was to loose 15lbs
I guess I'll find out soon enough.  

No more shall I eat. Sow it up nice and neat

Hello I was anorexic at 12 and hospitialized at 14 and was "recovered" until 2006 where I went from 250lbs to 119 in 9 months, I then  "recovered" again but it was not in a healthy way at all, I began to binge like mad, I am unable to "purge" I am horrified of it so I am a big fat pig again.  I crave to see my bones again more than ever. 

I do not want to start off sounding mean, but this is NOT a lifestyle. I am sick this is an illness not a choice for me. If you have not thrown yourself into this to far please turn back! It will kill you; you do not want to die. Sleepless nights, blood in your bowel movements from laxatives, pains from your butt bone that you can not sit for very long without a donut pillow and 3 cushions in the bathtub to just sit in the tub. If you are overweight there are 100's of places that are great for helping you step by step to lose weight safe and keep it off. I do not mean to preach it's just when I get emails of girls wanting to be like me and ask how I did it something in me well; it just snaps something deep inside me. 

The little voice I silence in my head of reason, it screams out tell them to run the other way and never look back. I just do not want anyone to go through this hell, this uncontrollable desire to be deathly thin. It consumes you until you do not realize you are to far gone to come back at least without any scares from your journey. Please do not take this the wrong way. I have this page as a personal therapy and to share with others who are in the same place as me to talk things out. 

It is not my intentions for this to ever encourage anyone to do this on purpose to themselves.