I will be a old lady soon

I did ok today, 190 calories
and 44 mins on my ellipi burining 583 calories.

But for the week omg! total pig out, to mad to post the totals right now.

Had a mid-life moment

Ok so the past few days, I was like, ah fuck it! No exercise just eat drink and be fat!
Thinking about my birthday coming up on Thursday just made me snap.

I am getting my ana head back on, looking at photos of when I was thinner and so pretty and happy.  I know I can do this, it is just harder now that I am older and lazier.

It just dawned on me...

Oh crap I do a weigh in tommorrow!

Ok , so I have been really good the last 2 days but before that I was awlful so I guess I will see when I step on the dreaded scales.

10/3: 110 cals (better)
Ellipi: 41 mins/534 cals

and today: 180 cals

Ellipi: 41 mins/513 cals

Another day of feeling fat

Why? Well I did given in as always.... 
10/2/10: 2,515 Ellipi:40 mins/540 cals
Today: Well so far so good...
110 calories so far... Ellipi: 41mins/534 cals
It is only 5pm! My hubby is driving me nuts! He is a loser! And he is a thin person, he has stick legs but he can eat junk and not get fat, but I do! It is not fair!  He is poking and beging for pizza but he is broke and wants me to get it.
I want to go to bed so that I do not have to deal with the temptations but he will bug me about it.  This totally sucks! 

Ok so I smell the food.

My hubby is making his dinner and it smells so good!

I have only had green tea and gum today and worked out
40 mins/540 calories
I was bad 2 days this week already!
I want to be bad again so I am blogging to try and stop the urge.

Money is tight, my dogs are dead, my hubby is useless (money wise) he is great about housework and the lawn, I have been in a funk for so long that I have a drinking problem, that has to be it, I want to turn my mind off by eating and drinking and I have done it so many times before that it is a habit now.  A very hard one to break!
We have a routine when we drink, we do shots and eat and listen to drinking songs, play GTA4 and kill people (in the game), and watch really bad movies and laugh and laugh and take a bubble bath and go to sleep.

Well, damn that does sound like fun..... If I drink it will be 690 calories that is 10 shots (I told you, drinking problem..) Then there is the food! Evil glorious food...French bread Pizza-920, if I skipped the sweets that would help alittle.  A whole thing of lite pringles would be 490. So we are looking at 690+920+490=2,105 (5 is for the gum I had today)  I don't know what I'll do.... I have to think about it.

1 step forward 6 steps back

9/29: Binge 3,040 cals , 27 mins/360 cals on Ellipi
Had a bad day at work, I work at a vet and we had to put some sweet babies to sleep.


9/30: Binge 3,000 cals, 26 mins/333 cals Ellipi


Today: 430 cals, 26 mins/352 cals Ellipi

I had another bad day at work, but did not give in to a binge.  Let's just try and keep it that way.  I am trying to work out at least 20mins everyday to get me in the habit again.  I have so far to go, all over again! Why did I let myself get this fat again? This is so depressing.

This really blows!

Ok food today:
Gum-10
Green tea-0
Speial K- 90
miso soup-35
Total: 135
Ellipi: 21 mins 273 calories

Weigh in today: only lost 3.4lbs thanks to my binge!
Missed my 1st goal weight by 1.2lbs!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

I am so fat and gross! I need to workout everyday and not eat a lot. The problem is I am depressed, broke and miss my 2 dogs that just died a few months ago, I want to soothe it with drinks and food, but I know it will not make things better just make me fatter.

I have to get into my ana zone again! 

Ok got behind on my bloging already

But I was a busy girl this weekend so that is why:9/25:
3000 calories! I know, I gave in to the binge.
But I did do a lot of work at a pet event so that had to burn some of it.

9/26:  1515 calories, oinkers


and today 9/27:
135 calories
Elliptical: 24 mins/301 cals

Tomorrow morning I will step on the scales and do my 1st goal weigh in, I bet I blew it with the binges! My 1st goal was to loose 15lbs
I guess I'll find out soon enough.  

So hard but I will be good

I just lost 2 of my fur kids, they died within a week of one another. I lost my job and was out of work for 2 months, so I am slowly getting myself together again.  But I had the very bad habit of drinking the pain away and them bingeing on junk. 
It was a habit and it is so hard to break!  I am fighting the urge.  I guess I will blog here and go read some others inspiring words to keep strong.  I am so fat again, why did I let meyself get this gross again?