Ok so I smell the food.

My hubby is making his dinner and it smells so good!

I have only had green tea and gum today and worked out
40 mins/540 calories
I was bad 2 days this week already!
I want to be bad again so I am blogging to try and stop the urge.

Money is tight, my dogs are dead, my hubby is useless (money wise) he is great about housework and the lawn, I have been in a funk for so long that I have a drinking problem, that has to be it, I want to turn my mind off by eating and drinking and I have done it so many times before that it is a habit now.  A very hard one to break!
We have a routine when we drink, we do shots and eat and listen to drinking songs, play GTA4 and kill people (in the game), and watch really bad movies and laugh and laugh and take a bubble bath and go to sleep.

Well, damn that does sound like fun..... If I drink it will be 690 calories that is 10 shots (I told you, drinking problem..) Then there is the food! Evil glorious food...French bread Pizza-920, if I skipped the sweets that would help alittle.  A whole thing of lite pringles would be 490. So we are looking at 690+920+490=2,105 (5 is for the gum I had today)  I don't know what I'll do.... I have to think about it.

1 step forward 6 steps back

9/29: Binge 3,040 cals , 27 mins/360 cals on Ellipi
Had a bad day at work, I work at a vet and we had to put some sweet babies to sleep.


9/30: Binge 3,000 cals, 26 mins/333 cals Ellipi


Today: 430 cals, 26 mins/352 cals Ellipi

I had another bad day at work, but did not give in to a binge.  Let's just try and keep it that way.  I am trying to work out at least 20mins everyday to get me in the habit again.  I have so far to go, all over again! Why did I let myself get this fat again? This is so depressing.

This really blows!

Ok food today:
Gum-10
Green tea-0
Speial K- 90
miso soup-35
Total: 135
Ellipi: 21 mins 273 calories

Weigh in today: only lost 3.4lbs thanks to my binge!
Missed my 1st goal weight by 1.2lbs!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

I am so fat and gross! I need to workout everyday and not eat a lot. The problem is I am depressed, broke and miss my 2 dogs that just died a few months ago, I want to soothe it with drinks and food, but I know it will not make things better just make me fatter.

I have to get into my ana zone again! 

Ok got behind on my bloging already

But I was a busy girl this weekend so that is why:9/25:
3000 calories! I know, I gave in to the binge.
But I did do a lot of work at a pet event so that had to burn some of it.

9/26:  1515 calories, oinkers


and today 9/27:
135 calories
Elliptical: 24 mins/301 cals

Tomorrow morning I will step on the scales and do my 1st goal weigh in, I bet I blew it with the binges! My 1st goal was to loose 15lbs
I guess I'll find out soon enough.  

I hate it

I gave in and binged, I am so fat and aloser  I Hate myself!
I am a pig! Why do I give in

Lyrics to Holy by Golden Palominos

I eat only sleep and air
and everyone thinks I'm dumb
but I'm smart because I've figured it out.


I am slimmer than you are
and I am burning my skin off little by little
until I reach bone and self
until I get to where I am essential
until I get to where I am

Food doesn't tempt me anymore
because I am so full of energy and sense
I can even pass by water now
because I am living off the parts of me
that I don't need anymore.

I could feel the slow drips of pain before,
swirling inside where my lungs should have been.
Now I'm clean inside.

I threw out hundreds of things that I didn't need anymore.
All my dresses and bras
stupid things like jeans and socks.
Most days I float through the house naked
so I can see myself in the mirrors.
I have hundreds of them everywhere
and they talk back to me all the time.
They keep me true and pure.
They make sure I'm still here.

When I knew what I had to do
I took all my notebooks, all my manuscripts
and ate them page by page
so I could take my words with me.

I can finally control my life and even death
and I will die slowly like steam escaping from a pipe.

This is my greatest performance
and all of the actresses who won my parts will say
how wonderful to let yourself go that mad,
how wonderful to go on this kind of journey
and not care if you come back to tell the story.

I scratch words on the walls now
so people will visit this museum and know
how someone like me ends up like this
(they'll say there is art in here somewhere).

Everything that comes out of me is sacred
every tear, every cough, every piss.
Everything that comes off of me is sacred
every fingernail, every eyelash, every hair.


Starvation is sacred and I scratch my bones
against the windows at night.
I light candles and feel myself evaporate.
This body is a little church, a little temple.
You can't see me now because I've gone inside.


My family doesn't call anymore.
My friends don't call anymore.
You can't hurt me anymore.
They can't hurt me anymore.
Only I can.

And that's okay.
I don't need them anymore.
I can live off of me.
I speak to me.
I dance with me.
I eat me.

When they find me, I'll have a little smile on my face
and they'll wrap me in a white cloth and lay me in the ground
and say they don't understand.
But I do.
I don't hurt anymore.
I'm not lonely anymore.
I'm not sad I'm not pretty anymore.
I made it through.

I feel so holy and clean when I stretch out on the floor and sing.
Sometimes god comes in for a minute and says I'm doing fine, I'm almost there.

Every day I get a little closer to vanishing.
Some days I can't stand up because the room moves under my feet
and I smile because I'm almost there,
I'm almost an angel.

One day when I am thin enough
I'll go outside
fluttering my hands so I can fly
and I will be so slight that I will pass through all of you
silently
like wind.

So hard but I will be good

I just lost 2 of my fur kids, they died within a week of one another. I lost my job and was out of work for 2 months, so I am slowly getting myself together again.  But I had the very bad habit of drinking the pain away and them bingeing on junk. 
It was a habit and it is so hard to break!  I am fighting the urge.  I guess I will blog here and go read some others inspiring words to keep strong.  I am so fat again, why did I let meyself get this gross again?